Six years ago tomorrow, February 23rd, I had such a moment. When I found out, images flashed through my mind of the last summer I had spent with her in Montana, and we woke up in the middle of the night to watch the meteor shower. The crickets were humming, the summer breeze was warm, you could just hear the calming trinkling of water down below in the creek, and the sky was illuminated with millions of stars... the most beautiful it has ever looked. I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully explain that moment, but something passed between me and my grandmother that night. As together we held close and witnessed one of the most beautiful things God has ever created, making wishes on every shooting star, it was as if we felt this presence and as if we became inextricably connected in that moment. To this day, that summer night in Montana stands as one of the most moving, soul shaking nights of my life.
I am writing this today because I want to remember the life of a woman, Joan Marie, my grandmother. Most people don't get to experience this kind of bond with their grandparents, and I am so lucky that growing up I was able to consider her my hero. She was beautiful, still so young, and had endured so much tragedy and grief, she had beaten cancer three times, she had lost so many loved ones... yet she still faced life with so much joy. Growing up , we had the best times with her. I remember calling her in 4th grade for advice, writing letters back and forth because I wanted to be closer to her, and how amazing she was through all of it. We were so close. I miss that so much.
There have been so many moments in my life where I would have given anything for her to be there. When we were younger I have a vague memory of her saying that she didn't think she'd make it to our high school graduations, and in the moment when the lights were on me as I stood at the podium delivering my commencement speech to my senior class, you and that very moment were on my mind. When I stood in the White House and President Obama smiled at me, and told me he believed in me... when I got on the bus afterwards and cried, it was because I wished so badly that I could tell you. Make you proud. Show you that all of my hard work to get me there was for my family, for my love of them, for you. The times of drama in high school, the times of questioning in college, every time I wished that I could dial that phone number I had memorized by heart and hear your cackling laugh and know it'd all be ok. My heart was crushed, broken, empty. I was so, so sad when you left this world and cried myself to sleep for months and months and months. Even sometimes now it still hits me. However, one of the last thing you said was you wanted us all to remember the good times, the good things, so here goes Grandma:
I'll always remember squeezing me, you, and taylor into your green chair and until we couldn't fit anymore and you reading us story after story. I'll always remember how much you loved ice cream... surely I got that from you. I'll always remember how beautiful your house was, how beautiful Montana was with the mountains and pastures and rivers and even just the smell of the air. I'll remember every single, wonderful summer I got to spend watching sunsets with you there. I'll remember how you made the BEST non-alcoholic margarita drinks for us. I'll remember how incredibly beautiful you were. I'll remember all the funny stories you'd tell us about our mom after we'd crawl into your bed and attack you in the morning until you'd wake up. We'd always say you were playing possum. I'll remember camping in eastern washington and sitting around eating mac and cheese and just being happy.I'll always remember how many times you watched Pippi Longstocking with me haha, and the shape of your hand as it held mine riding on the quad through the fields. I'll remember deer runs. I'll remember how the light would play off the crystals hanging in the kitchen and you'd say it was magic, and that one night there was a huge thunderstorm and you loved telling the story of me and taylor appearing in the lightning flash and scaring you and Grandpa. I wish I could remember more clearly what it felt like to sleep next to you afterwards.I'll always remember how you smelled: Chanel No. 5. I'll remember how you'd always spray a little extra when it was time to go see your physical trainer who you thought was cute haha. I'll always remember your sandals, how you loved to watch the hummingbirds, that you were the biggest football fan, how we'd go down to the creek together and collect heart shaped rocks and that above all, you loved everyone of us more than anything. 
And I'll always remember the night we watched the stars together, just as you did the day you died. The doctors said you shouldn't have been able to even speak... you were paralyzed on the left side and on enough morphine to kill a horse. That's what they said. Scientifically,you shouldn't have been alive. Yet somehow, after praying and praying and praying for you to get one last chance to say goodbye before you left, you sat straight up and opened those brown eyes. You grabbed Grandpa's hand, his right hand, with your left, the side of the body that was paralyzed for days. You got to say everything you wanted, you sent your love to everyone, and you said you'd always remember watching the stars with me that night. You said you saw Him, and it was time to go, and you went. The candle went out in the room when you left. And the most beautiful sunset painted the sky, as if the very earth was sending you off with its best farewell. God was there in your last moments, just as He was in our last moments together.I'll always love my grandma and luckily I know that love conquers death. However, for the moment, for all of those who may be reading this... will you do something for me? Can we all take a few seconds out of our day to do this?
For all of us who have ever lost someone, no matter who... will you let the people you love know tonight? Enjoy the feeling of their arms around you, soak up their smell, their love, their soul. Be kind, be patient, forgive, and be grateful that they are able to experience life with you. Love them here and now for those of us who have to live off memories. Remember to never take them for granted and to put them above you. Life is short, so make sure to get in a few of those irreplaceable moments ok?
Because I promise you this... that moment me and my grandma shared will always mean something. One day, we'll be together again, and we'll still remember the stars that night. Except this time, we'll have a much better view.
Rest in peace, Joan Marie Baker.
Love always,
"Short Stuff"
you are amazing and inspring.
ReplyDeleteThis is amazing! I love your writing. It's beautiful!
ReplyDeleteThanks guys! I miss you both!
ReplyDelete